1. A couple is lying in
bed. A car pulls into the driveway. The woman jumps up. "That's my
husband." The man
runs out of the house. The same man comes back later and says, "I'm your
husband."
2. A guy is 72years old
and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a
voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked
around and couldn't see anyone. He thought
he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
'Pick me up.'
He
looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said,
'Yes, I'm talking to you.'
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful
woman
you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends
are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The
man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over,
picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The
frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He
opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my
age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
3. There was a blonde a
redhead and a brunette.
They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.
So
they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops.
The readhead informs the girls that
the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.
So they go out the back door and they see this barn.
They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.
She tells the girls to each
hide in a potato sack.
Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.
They go into the barn and look everywhere.
One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks".
So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks
to himself.
He
kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat"
he thinks.
Finally,
he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice
"po...ta...to...es!"
4. A little old Jewish
man is walking down the street one afternoon, when he sees a woman with
perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies,
and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would
you let me
bite your breasts for $1,000
dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that
kind of woman! Got it?"
The little old Jewish man
runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite
your breasts - just once
- for $10,000 dollars?!"
"Hmm... $10,000 dollars... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley
over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in
the world. As soon as he
sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them
slowly, kissing them, licking
them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets
annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little
old Jewish man. "Costs too much!"
5. Why do gerillas
have big nostralls?
Coz they got big fingers.
6. A blond a, a brunette
and a redhead were at the top of a cliff looking down at the beach.
Suddenly a genie appears
to them and says "I will grant you each one wish if you'll jump off the
side of this cliff."
So the redhead jumps off
and shouts "Seagull" and turns into a seagull and flies away.
Then the brunette jumps
off and shouts "Whale" and turns into a whale, falls into the sea and
swims away.
Finally the blond runs
towards the cliff edge, but trips at the last second, as as she falls she
shouts out "Shit"
7. Once upon a time, a
guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy
lived happily ever after
and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot
and drank beer and scotch
and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and
farted whenever he wanted.
The end
8. A woman gets on
a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The
woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: “The driver just
insulted me!”
The man says: “You
go right up there and tell him off – go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey for
you.”
9. A scientist and
a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion.
The scientist made some
quick calculations, he said
“it's no good trying
to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a
little ahead and replied
“I am not trying
to outrun the lion,
I am trying to outrun you
!”
10. A guy walks into a
bar and sees a dog playing poker.
The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker.
"Bartender,
is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks.
"Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies.
"Well
is he any good?" the guy asks.
"Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail."
11. I wondered why the
Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
12. One day a college professor
of Psychology was greeting his new
college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone
who
thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well,
hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the
professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just
didn't want to see you standing
there all by yourself."
13. Doctor: I am sorry
you are deathly ill
Patient: how long do I have to live
Doctor: Ten
Patient: Ten months, ten
days ? what?
Doctor: Ten, nine, Eight,
seven, ………
14. Where does the word
cheese come from?
The first man to make cheese, when he looked into the barrel of soaring milk he said,
"Sheeeeeze!" Mell Brooks
15. Little Audrey was
walking home when a big bad man jumped out of the bushes and snarled,
“Take off your panties!”
But Little Audrey just laughed and laughed and laughed, because she
knew they wouldn’t
fit him.
16. A skeleton walks
into a bar and says “Give me a beer and a mop.”
17. Where does the
word egg come from?
When the chicken lays an
egg, it goes "eeeeeeg." Mel Brooks
